


Ashes to Ashes

by A_Shields



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, And titles, Ben's first ily, Deaf Character, I'm still bad at tags, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mention of Paul, Phil being Phil, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:40:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23363323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Shields/pseuds/A_Shields
Summary: Callum didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be the couple that was on and off more times than a light switch, the couple that people simply rolled their eyes at when they heard they were in trouble because it’s just them. In fact, Callum didn’t want anyone knowing their business, but that seemed almost impossible in Albert Square. From his very public coming out-twice- to the shambles that was his wedding and his tumultuous relationship with a Mitchell, Callum felt like a bit of a celebrity in the Square, and not in a good way.Or, my take on the spoilers for next week.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 58





	Ashes to Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> Another take on the spoilers coming up next week. Judging by the trailer released yesterday I'm completely wrong but this was nearly finished by then so I went with it. Not sure how I feel about it at certain points but it's done now, and apologies for any mistakes!   
> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy it and stay safe everyone!

“I have to go”

“No. Ben, Sharon don’t want you there” Callum was all but pleading with him now, trying to get him to see sense, life hadn’t been easy for anyone since the boat crash, least of all Callum and Ben. But no one could deny that the accident had thrust Sharon deeper into hell than anyone else.

“I don’t care what that slapper wants, he was my brother and I’m goin to his funeral. End of Callum.” Callum opening his mouth to object was met by another shout of “end of!” before Ben launched himself out of the backdoor of the Mitchell’s kitchen.

Callum sighed as he dropped onto a chair, head in his hands. After their argument last week Callum had kept his distance, he needed space, time to think about whether he could give Ben the help he needs, if being with Ben was worth the risk to his dream career that was now so near yet so far. He had to extinguish the frustration that prickled in his chest that he had yet again had to be the one to comfort Ben while he treated Callum like dirt. But mostly Callum just had to shake the numbness he had felt when he held Ben _again_ , as he broke down _again,_ when Callum was back in the place he promised himself he wouldn’t be in _again_.

Callum had finally, _finally_ let rip and told Ben how he felt, taking the pin out of the grenade and letting Ben watch him explode, even if the explosion was muted for his boyfriend. And yet Ben was the one who ended up in tears and needing Callum’s support. It was all so messed up.

Callum didn’t know what parts of his outburst Ben had understood, but Callum knew he got the message. The look on his face when Callum tried to break up with him made his heart break in a way he didn’t think was possible. He knew Ben was sorry for what he did, for how he has treated Callum, and every fibre of his being wanted to believe that their argument meant that things would change, but he would only believe it when he saw it.

Callum didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be the couple that was on and off more times than a light switch, the couple that people simply rolled their eyes at when they heard they were in trouble because it’s just _them_. In fact, Callum didn’t want anyone knowing their business, but that seemed almost impossible in Albert Square. From his very public coming out-twice- to the shambles that was his wedding day and his tumultuous relationship with a Mitchell, Callum felt like a bit of a celebrity in the Square, and not in a good way.

He raked his hand through his hair before quickly fixing it, remembering that he had to look his best today- he had been drafted in last minute to help with Dennis’ funeral. He ignored the nervous flip in his stomach at the thought of it, he didn’t know if Sharon would be too happy about him being there, sure he wasn’t a Mitchell, but he did go to bed with one every night and even he wasn’t sure that was much better. The fact that he was working made him nervous for another reason; it meant that he couldn’t be with Ben. He couldn’t make sure Ben didn’t make an appearance at the funeral, and if he did there was very little Callum could do about it if he was on the clock.

****

Callum heaved a sigh as he walked into the Vic, it had been a long day and although it was late afternoon, the end of the day still felt very far off. The funeral was thankfully pretty uneventful, no doubt thanks to the absence of Ben and Phil, but it was awful. Funerals were of course always upsetting, even to Callum, who between working as an undertaker and being in the army had become somewhat accustomed to. But the funeral of someone so young was something else, it was absolutely heart wrenching, seeing a packed out room of people mourning a _child_ , mutters of 'so young' and 'wasted potential' flooding his ears. It was something Callum knew he never wanted to experience again. He had only made the mistake of looking at Sharon once, the unfiltered agony on her face, in her eyes was enough to keep Callum awake tonight- as if he needed any help with that.

His feet faltered as he took in the pub before him, it was busy, there was food laid out for the guests and some tasteful decorations adorned the walls. The packed-out pub done up for the event reminded him of his wedding day. All the people, Whitney, the flowers, Hunter, the gun, the smell of burning after the bullet fired.

_Ben._

He hadn’t noticed Sharon standing feet away from him staring somewhere distant, a look of bewilderment and blind rage plain to see on her face. He hadn’t noticed how everyone else in the pub had also turned their attention to the other side of the room, their expressions ranging from confusion to anger, fatigued to enthralled. It wasn’t until Callum followed their gaze that he saw it, and it brought him freefalling out of his own head and crash landing into reality.

Ben was cowering at one of the tables across the room, he had pressed his head onto the seat next to him and had his hands forced against his ears so hard Callum was worried he would hurt himself. Callum could see his boyfriend’s shoulders heaving up and down as his panic possessed him.

“You’ve always been a disappointment, since day one! LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKIN TO YA!”

 _Phil._ Of course he was back. Why wouldn’t he return from weeks hiding away to attend the funeral of his estranged wife’s son whose death Callum was sure he was more than an innocent bystander in, more than a grieving stepfather. Phil’s voice boomed, ricocheting off the walls, landing directly in Callum’s ears, the slurring of his words drew Callum’s eyes to Phil’s hand where a bottle of whisky was held in a vice grip.

Before he knew it, Callum was taking long, purposeful, _calm_ strides towards Phil, stopping behind him and yanking the bottle out of his hand. “OI! What are you-“Phil swung at Callum as he turned around, who swerved backwards quickly, avoiding contact with Phil’s fist. Callum was suddenly grateful that Phil was drunk, he knew he wouldn’t have gotten away with blocking the punch if he wasn’t. “Oooh, Solider Boy’s here! Ben, Ben look it’s ya boyfriend. How you plannin on killin me this time, ay?”

Ben was looking frantically between his dad and boyfriend, his eyes found the whiskey bottle in Callum’s hand, a flash of relief and gratitude crossed his face.

“Phil, he can’t hear you. He lost his hearing in the accident. He’s deaf. You’d know that if you were here, not that anyone wants you here, not Ben, not your wife. No one.” Phil was taken aback, looking desperately at Ben as if looking for clarification of Callum’s claim. Ben’s silence seemed to tell him what he needed to know.

Callum’s stomach twisted at the harshness on Phil’s eyes when he turned back to him, smirk firmly in place, he took his aim. “Oh yeah? And what would you know about that a woman wants? Ay?” Phil moved his face closer to Callum’s, his lips twisting into an evil smile. Callum couldn’t believe that they were mere feet away from the spot where Phil punched his own dad for his homophobic taunts only months ago, and here he was about to do the same.

 _No._ Callum’s fists were clenched so tightly he was convinced his nails were seconds from cutting into his palms. He forced himself to keep them by his sides, He wasn’t stupid enough to punch Phil Mitchell.

“What am I meant to do with ya now, ay?” Phil rounded on his son, shouting in his face. Ben was trying desperately to simultaneously back away from his father and intently stare at his lips, becoming visibly frustrated has the words fell away from him. “You’ve always been useless but now? I didn’t know you could be any more of a waste of space, but you really outdid yourself this time Ben!” his laugh was cold, and reverberated through Callum’s body, stoking the fire that was already raging within him, threatening to make him burst into flames.

_Maybe he was that stupid._

If the collective gasp from the punters in the Vic and the look of stunned rage on Phil’s face didn’t tell Callum that his punch had landed, then the shooting pain from his knuckles to his elbow did. But what really brought Callum back to reality, made what he had just done sink in was the look on Ben’s face. The wide eyed, opened mouth couldn’t-get-any-words-out-if-he tried look of astonishment made Callum falter, sheepishness creeping in. But there was something else in Ben’s face, the way his eyes glimmered, the slight upturn of the corners of his lips, what was it? Amusement? Shock? Anger? No, it was something else. _Awe_

Callum stepped closer to Phil so that he was only a foot or so away from him. Phil looked irate and amused and _so_ ready for round two. “No.” his voice was stronger than he thought possible, louder than he expected as they stood face to face. And then, quieter, his voice shaking with fury and adrenaline and finality, “No. you don’t say a word against him, he is a million times stronger than you are, a million times the man you will ever be and braver than anyone I know. And you don’t get to do this anymore Phil, you don’t get to make him feel small to make you feel bigger. No.”

Callum let out the breath he had been holding since his argument with Ben. Still toe to toe with Phil and still not looking away he commanded “Come on Ben.” Before taking Ben’s hand and pulling him to his feet, firing a disgusted look at Phil he snarled “We’re leaving.”

****

Ben still looked shellshocked as Callum placed a steaming cup of tea on the table in front of him and pulled up a chair opposite. He was grateful that Stuart and Rainie were doing a funeral out west today, as it meant his and Ben still had at least a few more hours of privacy before they got home. Callum took Ben’s hands in his, stopping them from violently pulling at a loose thread on his coat sleeve. “He’s drinking again.” Callum had never heard Ben’s voice so small, so vulnerable. Callum didn't know what to say, what could he say? Instead he have a small, curt nod. He knew that a lot of Ben’s Mitchell bravado was either an act or a very clear sign that his boyfriend’s self-destruct mode had been activated, but here, with his voice so timid and his head and shoulders slouched making him look so small, so _childlike_ Callum couldn’t think of spending his life doing anything other than protecting this man. Here he was, a fully grown man, a father himself, and he had been forced to revert back into a scared child by the person who was meant to shield him from such monsters.

Callum placed his hand on the back of Ben’s head, his thumb reaching round to stroke his boyfriend’s cheek. Ben looked up at the touch, a small smile on his lips but his eyes shone with unshed tears. He looked unsure, or maybe just exhausted, traumatised from Phil’s attack, not knowing exactly what he said but instead having to imagine every cruel word his father fired at him in front of his friends and neighbours, all of whom knew that Phil’s words were literally falling on deaf ears. “I can’t believe you hit him” his words came through a soft laugh, his eyes regaining some of their light.

“Yeah… Sorry about that. I tried not to I really did but-“

“It's ok. You deserve a medal or somethin, you did what I’ve never been able to do, not really” Ben’s frown made Callum’s chest ache, he knew that Phil had left scars deep in Ben’s being, but only tonight was he seeing what it had truly done to him. This wasn’t the Ben that lashed out trying to prove himself, this was the Ben who had been beaten down for so long that all that was left was a vulnerable young man who was trying to find himself and what it was to be loved without fear of it being ripped away.

“It’s a lot easier to stand up to someone when it ain’t your fight” Callum gave what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“Yeah. Yeah it is” Ben dipped his head lightly, a soft smile adorning his lips that faded as the thought came into his mind. “What did he say? To make you hit him.” Callum looked at Ben, eyes wide but mouth unable to move, he really didn’t want to repeat Phil’s words.

“Please." Ben urged when he saw Callum's hesitation. "I’ll only imagine otherwise and to be honest I’d prefer to know. Come on, put my out of my misery will ya?” Ben’s half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood didn’t work, not when Callum’s chest was contracting and his heart was hammering in his chest. But Ben was right, he deserved to know what Phil had said to him, hell, everyone else in the Vic knew, and by this point, probably a lot of people who weren’t present for Phil’s outburst of the day knew too, this was Walford after all. It wasn’t fair to leave Ben in the dark, to allow the thoughts of what Phil said swirl in his mind, each theoretical insult crushing him further and further into the black hole Phil had dug into his son’s heart.

“He said..” Callum took a deep breath, willing himself to maintain eye contact with Ben. He knew that Phil will have said much worse things to his son over the years, but Ben was fragile at the moment, and Callum was worried that anyone, let alone Phil, reaffirming Ben’s belief that he was now useless and unable to be himself when he can't hear the world around him would cause the already shattered Ben to explode into a million tiny pieces, scattering the ashes of the man he once was.

“He said- and it ain’t true Ben. He was drunk and upset and it’s Phil, you know what he’s like”

“Callum. Please, just tell me.” Ben’s eyes were already at Callum’s lips, staring intently, ready to receive Phil’s assault.

“He said you’re useless and a waste of space” the words came faster than he expected, Callum expelling them out of him before he could stop himself. At first, he wasn’t sure if Ben had understood him, maybe he had spoken too quickly for Ben to work them out. But then Ben’s jaw tightened, and his eyes set into a cold stare. “But Ben.” His grip on his boyfriend’s face became firmer, redirecting Ben’s eyes to his own. “it ain’t true, you are so important and so loved. And I know you don't see it but you are still you, and you don’t need to go stealin cars or gettin arrested to prove that. Ben, you’re you every time you deliver some snarky comment, every time you and Lola share an exasperated look at something Lexi’s done because she’s so like the both of ya. Every time you and Lexi have some cute moment together and she looks at you like you put the stars in the sky, and every time we’re together, like actually together, not fightin or angry with each other, but together and it’s peaceful. When we’re together and its where we belong.”

They were both blinking back tears now, laughing at how silly they must look in this moment to an outsider, but there were no outsiders; this moment was Ben’s and Callum’s and no one else’s. their hands had found each other’s, and they lay on Ben’s lap, both men tracing patterns on each other’s hand, sitting in silence because that’s all they needed to say. They sat there for god knows how long, content and letting Callum’s words settle, bridging the gap that had formed between them over the last few weeks. The sound of Ben’s deep, shaky intake and release of breath pulled Callum back to reality.

“You really do love me, don’t ya, ya big softie?” Callum laughed, ducking his head, feeling like a teenager in love for the first time.

“You know I do Ben.” Ben nodded, a small affirmation to himself, almost as if he were trying to psych himself up for something. Callum gave him a questioning look, to which Ben replied with a broad smile, taking Callum’s cheek in his palm.

“I do too, you know. Love you. Have for a long time but I’ve been too much of a plum to admit it” Callum felt his face drop from one of bliss to utter astonishment. He was almost certain that Ben loved him, he hadn’t said it, sure, but Callum knew that Ben wasn’t great with words, and it was his actions that told how he truly felt. The soft caresses in morning, running his hands through Callum’s messy hair when the last thing Ben wants to be is awake, the way he looks at Callum when he thinks Callum isn’t looking, eyes full of admiration and pride. Or when he knows Callum can see him, eyes focused and intense yet soft, taking in every inch of his skin, his heart. Most of all it’s the way Ben melts into his boyfriend when nothing else can placate him, rooting himself to Callum’s chest to quieten the roar of the ugly world that lay outside of Callum’s arms; Ben’s rock, his _home._

Despite all this, Callum couldn’t be completely sure. He knew Ben didn’t love many people, but when he did, he loved like his life depended on it. Lexi, Jay, Lola, Kathy and even his dad were living proof of this, and that’s without the blindingly obvious one that isn’t. Even years after his death, Callum could tell how much Ben loved Paul, he knew that Paul was the only man Ben had ever loved, that their love was special and sacred to Ben. Yes, Callum knew Ben could love, but he didn’t feel like he was special enough to warrant it, not when Ben only saved it for the most important people to him. But now, looking at the huge smile on his boyfriend’s face, a rare one that spread to his eyes, lighting them up like a beacon. This was a smile Callum knew was reserved for his eyes only, and suddenly he knew, he _felt_ Ben’s love, and he was grabbing it with both hands because it was _his_ and he deserved it.

Callum lent forward, taking Ben's face in his hands and planting a soft kiss to the tip of his nose before touching his forehead to Ben’s, leaving just enough distance for Ben to see his mouth “You’re right, you are a plum.”

They both laughed into the space between them, it may have been a small distance, but it was filled to the brim with warmth, joy, promise and _love._


End file.
